Thursday, July 26, 2012

Hacking Morality

Morality stems from the Latin word "moralitas" which loosely translates to "I'm going to get louder and louder about how I feel and if you won't listen, I'll get the state involved and force the military on you." Morality is the binding of logical processes to emotional reaction, resulting in an emotional calculation.  It's one thing to feel emotions when an event happens, but morality's primary goal is to shape how you should feel when future events (under specific conditions) occurs.  This primitive modeling results in people frequently confusing casual communication as a planned and merciless destruction of their entire foundations of being.

You: "Words, words, words, I'm confus, I'm American, take my money and feed me the good times, I absolutely and positively need to be insulted to pay attention, blah, blah, blah..."

Fine. An experiment: Your morality has convinced you that Issue A is good, and Issue B is bad. Issue C...

You: Too abstrack (How the fuck do you even spell that word?), I need another six-hundred ounce soda... and where's the cats? It's the Internet, give me fucking cats... and porn! Cats having sex while drowning in soda! And progress! And freedom! That's what I want right now! MURIKA! *fart*

Fine. Let's use the media-friendly buzzwords that will set your pee-pee on fire just so I can give you context. In this corner, we have the Liberal Conservative Republican Democrat and...


You: “What the fuck is that thing? You forgot the commas. Wait, what the fuck are commas? Grammar is for white people.”

That's the point. By stringing together words you've attached deep and self-defining moral conclusions to, your brain instinctively rejects the image that I've painted. In your internal model, somewhere in between your rape fantasies and that theory on quantum milkshakes you work on while trying to go to sleep, you're attempting to merge these emotional conclusions with one another and failing at it. Horribly.

You see, in that internal model, you've predefined each of these entities to be opposites. And by using your 7th grade understanding of dialectics, (FANCY WORD ALERT, I can feel my ad revenue disintegrating as we speak) your open-minded New Age understanding of Ying and Yang, (You're so worldly) and other immutable (FANCY WORD ALERT) “facts” you've pieced together after your third unemployment check, you've automagically imagined that when these opposites attract, they mystically annihilate each and all is balanced with the world. Sparkles, bunnies, and deeper metaphysical truths, man. Deepak Chopra. Bill Clinton. Yoga pants. Organic quinoa.

So when I tell you that I would like to talk about this Liberal Conservative Republican Democrat person, your mind jumps to the emotional conclusion you've drawn up long ago: Such a person doesn't exist because they would have been annihilated. Furthermore, to insist that such a person exists would be a violation of your internal conclusions, a destruction of your choice, a war path of hate against your emotions, and a terrible crusade against all that is natural and moral and right and that I need to be locked up and tortured until I conform! My God, your self-righteous erection can be spotted from Mercury.

But since you are a fucking peon of inconsequential impact, not only do I not fear you or recognize what you idolize as authority, I'm also going to prove that you are the person that you swear doesn't exist.

If you are a man, go find a woman. If you cannot find a woman, go put on a wig. If you cannot find a wig, you're probably a media-castrated soft faggot anyways, so you'll actually pass as a woman. (Your dream of being the gender that gets all the positive popular attention is finally fulfilled! Power bottoms unite!)

DEAR BOOBIES, I HAS A QUESTION FOR YOU AND YOUR COMPANION, THE OVERWORKED VAGINA: One day soon, there will be a drug that can prevent your unborn children from having serious genetic diseases. Provided you can fight the impulse to abort the non-human thing that will one day grow up to be a chair (Social biology is always right, dur hur I'm five years old), do you take the drug?

If you answered yes, then you agree that there are benefits to using genetic manipulation to reduce the amount of risk your future children (and your pocketbook) are exposed to. If you answered no, then you are clinging to your emotional calculations by believing that genetic manipulation is wrong.

So far, this is just logic. And as we all know, logic is evil and it needs to be done away with entirely because it's a big meanie. So let's finally get this experiment in hacking morality started:

What kind of mother would run the risk of dooming her children's fate to the hardship of preventable disease? What kind of cruelty is required to commit to such an action? I can't believe such horrendous, ignorant people walk the earth. Something should be done about this!

Now you're butterscotch brain is paying attention because I have spoken directly to that terrible animal you call your ego. Chances are, you probably agree with that sentiment, and you'll most likely flip-flop around the issue by citing problems with the effectiveness of the drug and other adjustable, temporal conditions, but that's negligible nonsense you'd be doing to protect your hallowed emotional calculations. (You predictable little girl, come give daddy a kiss!) You'd down those damned pills by the bottle if it worked and then you'd even feel entitled to have access to such medicine as your emotional calculations would make you unable to imagine the horrors of not having it.

By taking medicines that alter your genetics to protect your interests, you have violated the morality of the following groups:

The emotional Left, who espouses the benefits of preserving natural conditions (Altering the environment is evil, making you a Republican)

The emotional Right, who espouses the benefits of preserving God's image (Assuming authority is evil, making you a Democrat)

The logical Left, who espouses the benefits of self-indulgence (Caring about the future is evil, making you a Conservative)

The logical Right, who espouses the benefits of self-limiting (Caring about the present is evil, making you a Liberal).

By violating everything, you have become everything.

BUT THOSE AREN'T MY DEFINITIONS! I CHOOSE TO INTERPRET IT IN MY OWN WAY! I'M AN ISSUES PERSON! I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THIS!”, you shout as if I had no idea you'd come to that conclusion. You feel ultra-rebel right now. So hip, bro. So fucking rebel. Cool, man...

Except -THAT- is precisely the response I was hoping for.

By clinging to the all-consuming drive to be an individual, an exception, different, special, a snowflake of amazing outcomes, you have now framed the decision to this question as an emotional calculation. By doing so, I will never, ever be able to convince you that taking genetic medication to solve this particular health problem is wrong.

I don't even have to followup with any additional medical breakthroughs to reinforce the idea. In fact, all I have to do is give national airtime to people who are against genetic modification and you'll rally to try and stop them every single time. And if, by luck, everyone is on board with genetic modification, I'd still give such people national airtime.. I'll still manufacture the image of anti-progress people who don't exist to take the opposite stance and I will do so with the extremely specific intention of reinforcing one simple concept until you thoughtlessly mouth it in your sleep: Genetic modification is progress. And once that moment happens... once I have your thoughtless consensus on the issue... then I can start rolling out the big guns.

THAT is the actual outcome I want because that is key to what is needed for the Post-Emotional Solution. Hacking morality is the first step to claiming ownership over the emotional calculations surrounding the collective concept of progress.

Now do you understand why I am so condescending in this this blog? If someone like me, who isn't even the most intelligent person in my city, let alone the Earth, can come up with a plan like this that would actually work... then I am surrounded by fucking idiots.